Bona Shamans
With apologies to the shades of Kenneth Horne, Kenneth Williams, and Hugh Paddick.
I’ve been doing Pagan workshops for some time now but recently attendance has dropped off. It’s as though Pagans aren’t interested in finding out about the role of the semicolon in the 300 laws of witchcraft anymore. So I thought I’d catch the current wave and reinvent myself as a Shaman. Picking up a copy of “Mystic Muscles” – I buy it for the gardening section – I saw, between notices for Aura Massages and Tantric Hand Shandy therapy, a small advert for Bona Shamans of Islington. So I thought I’d pop along and see what they could do for me.
——–“Hello is anybody there?”
“Hello I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy.” “Oh hallo Mr. Hine. How lovely to varda your dolly old eek again. What can we do you for?”
——-“Well I’m interested in shamanism. What have you got?”
“We’ve got it all. From the top to the bottom of the sacred tree. Jules and me are trollers between the worlds, aren’t we Jules? Cruising the length and breadth of infinity in search of the inner mysteries. In and out of the latties of the gods we are.”
——-“Well What does this do? (picks up tubular object)”
“That’s a didg. A didg. A didgeridoo. And that’s yer actual Aborigine that is.”
——-“Well what “doo” you do with it?”
“You blow it silly. Go on Jules. Show him how you blow it. No one blows like Jules Mr Hine. He’s famous for it. They come from miles around to see Jules blow, don’t they Jules? Famous for his technique he is. Go on Jules Give it a good blow. Go on wrap your lips around it. get a good grip on it.”
———– “And what happens after you blow it?”
“We-ell, you become occupied by mystic forces. Jules is always getting occupied aren’t you Jules?
“Yes. Frequently.”
———-“Well perhaps not. But what kind of shamans are there?”
“Well there’s your Celtic Shaman. Very butch they are. All bulging lallies and blonde riah. Wait I can see a few problems there. Well, there’s yer New Age Dolly Mixture. .. Wait I’ve got it – the Horny god priest. Very popular yer horny god priest. Vada the scene. You sitting around, surrounded by dolly palones all hanging on your every word as you beat the sacred drum and toss the mystic rattle and call upon the Queen of the Faeries. Oh yes. very popular with faeries everywhere, yer basic horny priest. They come flocking as soon as they see one, don’t they Jules. Yes. Flocking. You have beat them off … Faeries.”
——–“Maybe I’ll give that a go.”
“Oooo innee bold Jules? Yes. Very bold.
“Very.”
“Well you sit over there and shake your rattle and Jules will be the Queen of the faeries.”
——–“What? I find that difficult to visualize…”
“Well it might be difficult for you ducky but it’ll be easy for Jules. O yes. Go on, just think of Jules all diaphanous and floating.”
“OOoooOOOooo…OOoooOOOooo…OOoooOOOooo.”
“Ooh there ‘e goes mr. Hine. He’s being occupied by yer actual mystic forces”.
“OOOoooOOO.. oooOOaah… aaAAAh…”
——–“What’s happening?”
“I am Titania the fairy queen
Don’t be so bold, I may just scream,
In these wild woods we’ll mince and play
We’ll trade and troll until the break of day
In bijou bowers we’ll palare gay
and wallop zhooshy ’til lilly chases us away.”
“OOOoooOOO.. oooOOaah… aaAAAh…”
… aaAAAh…Ahh”
[long pause]
“Ooh I’ve come over all strange.”
“Don’t worry Jules, you were possessed. Ridden you were. By Titania.
The great Dona Dolly herself.”
“Yes. Titania.”
——–“Well this all seems very fine. Could I book Titania – er – Jules for my Samhain workshop?”
“OOh no we can’t possibly do that!”
——–“Whyever not?”
Well, I’m washing my riah that night.”
fin.
